As Mother’s Day approaches I feel the anxiety to express my love and respect of mi madre. Today, as I was driving around the city running errands, I was reminded of this television show that was on the air in the mid 70’s called “That’s My Mama”. The show featured a young Clifton Davis in the role of Clifton Curtis, a twenty something bachelor who worked in a barbershop and lived at home with his single mother. His mother was known as Mama Curtis, played by Theresa Merrit, and she worked a job, managed a house, nurtured many, and she did not hold her tongue. She was an extension of the “mammy” caricature created during slavery –manager of the house, mother to all, doctor to all, teacher to all, cook of all cooks, religious, pious, expert in all domestic matters, asexual, and as Victorian as she could be. This portrayal of the Black mother and many portrayals of Black mothers throughout history failed to provide a good context for the ways and means of Black mothers.
Though at 30, I still have so much more to learn, I think I have a better grasp on my mother now. For most of my life I just thought that she was mean just because and that her aim in life was to get on my last nerves. But I had to move pass the comfortable and convenient thoughts that allowed me to be a victim, and truly seek to understand who my mother is. And in doing so, I realized that my mama is who she is and aint no use in me trying to wish she was somebody different or wish that she would have done things different. She did the best that she could with what she had and what she knew, and contrary to what any of my pain would have me to believe – she did it in love.
My mama used to say.
· “Boy you ain’t go be like your daddy!”
Yeah, she probably had some strong anger towards my father for what he did not do and for being the type of man she believed him to be. Her admonishment soon extended to every man that she would date, all my uncles, any man hanging on the corner, or any man who she deemed less than being what she thought a man should be. Although, I wish she would have said it differently, what she was really trying to do was raise me to be a good man – responsible, drug free, successful, upstanding, a gentleman, a man who understood the power of sex, a man who would be a father to his children, etc.
· “I ain’t raising you to be a sorry man!”
Whenever I would try to duck out on responsibilities or chores, I would always hear these words which was a reminder to stand up to the challenge before me.
· “Go figure it out!”
When I would ask my mother a question that she did not have an answer to or if I asked her for a definition of a word, she would tell me “Go figure it out!” I believe that was her way of not saying “I don’t know”, but her message gave me an unquenchable desire for knowledge and for self sufficiency This has been passed on to my soon to be 10 year old son who spends his time on the internet googling stuff.
· “That’s how you supposed to treat a lady!”
Ever since I can remember, my mother would make me listen to the song Treat Her Like a Lady by the Temptations. I hated hearing that damn song and her telling me how a man is supposed to treat a lady. But it made me a true romantic. I guess she wanted to make sure that I did what no man was able to do for her, Treat Her Like a Lady! I wish she would have also told me “Never trust a big butt and a smile” or just cause you treat a woman like a lady, don’t mean she is going to treat you like a man. Lol
· “You got to go when you turn 18”
I don’t know what made her think that I wanted to stay any longer than I had to, but I guess she was trying to make me not get comfortable with her roof and also did not want me to be like….
· “If you do it right the first time, you won’t have to do it again”
I would hear these words when I tried to half do something. If my homework was sloppy, which it frequently was, she would make me write it over until it looked presentable. If my room was dirty, I had to do it again. If the dishes had stuff still on it, I would have to wash them mugs again. She was trying to teach me the value of good work.
· “If you keep walking like that, I am going to come break your damn leg”
Somewhere around 1991, I tried to walk with a limp to be cool, and my mother saw me do it in the house one day and she threatened me with the above statement. I believed her, cause I knew that she was crazy. She was trying to teach me to set my own trends.
· “Be a leader, not a follower”
My mama did not like me hanging with the “wrong” crowd. And if she saw me trying to hang with someone who was less than worthy of her approval she would not resist the opportunity to let me know. She also hated when I wanted to do things that other kids wanted to do, so she would remind me to walk to my own beat.
· “Just cause you know the answer, don’t mean that you have to make other kids feel bad for not knowing the answer.”
Yes, I used to call kids dumb for not knowing the answer to stuff. I would get stuff pretty quickly and get really bored in school. When other kids did not know what I knew, I would call them dumb. That was my way of getting back at them for calling me out on my discount clothing and shoes. The teacher did not hesitate to call home, to let my mother know that I was up to it again. After a beating, I was always reminded that I should not tease other kids for not knowing what I know.
· “When you graduate – you either going to college or the military”
There were only 2 options, cause I could not stay around her house. She did not know anything about the college application process or FASFA, she just told me that it was an option.
· “Stay out of grown folks conversation”
· “Boy stop crying”
There are many more things that my mother told me that stick with me now. She ruled with a heavy hand and strong voice. I knew that she was the boss, and I was the child.
I am not going to lie, I wish she would have done some things diffently. I wish she would have hugged me more. I wished she would have had conversations with me instead of instructions all the time. I wish she would have been a nurturer. I wish she would have chosen me over a man. I wish she would have been more transparent. But my mama did not know how to do the things that I wanted her to do.
My mother knew the realities of this world. She knew what would happen to a Black man who decided to run with the wrong crowd. She knew that plenty of Black men had done her wrong and other women wrong, so she wanted to make sure that I did not repeat the same infractions.
She knew that she had to make me better than what she could even imagine. And she knew that she had to work overtime in order to keep food on our table.
Mama wanted love, attention, support, affection, someone to hold her, and someone to share her life with. I could not provide that for her, only a man could. So, I understand why she did what she did.
My mother like many other single Black mothers found themselves in the middle of intersecting oppressions that sometimes caused them to cry in the middle of the night and also caused them to be hard on their kids.
And though I did not like the method, I appreciate the results.
Cause if my mama had not been so hard on me, I don’t know where I would be. I can only imagine.
And what I have had to come to realize is that is just my mama, she is who she is and aint no changing no time soon.
So, I love her for who she is, despite what she did or did not doc. Cause she got me to be who I am and I don’t regret that at all!
I encourage all of us to seek to understand the circumstances that created the woman that you call mother to understand why she did what she did. What I think you will find is that your mother is human just like you. And just like you she responded to life the best way that she knew how and raised you in the best way that she knew. It was all in love, really!